007: The Chronicles of the Late Kid during the #REDx Party

I was always a bit hesitant to meet fellow pozzies even after I was diagnosed with HIV-1, from the SET that I attended last April, to casual meet-ups between poz people. Which is why I was unsure if I wanted to go to the #REDx Christmas Party last December 14. I was pretty sure that a lot of people will be present at the event, considering the number of tweets that I have been reading weeks before the party. But being the impulsive kid that I am, I confirmed my attendance to the party. Great.

Daddy @dvocateHIV texted me about carpool assignments and stuff, and I was assigned to join @R13cga’s group. One huge problem that I had was that my best friend’s wedding was set on December 13, and I’ve been working non-stop with last minute tasks that need to be done for the wedding. Needless to say I was friggin’ tired when I slept. And here comes the fun part: I woke up at seven in the morning. Carlo called me up and asked about my whereabouts, they were waiting for me for an hour now. I told him to go to Laguna since I can ask for directions going to the venue but he insisted to wait for me. Enter cab driver who misunderstood my directions and went to LRT Edsa-Taft Station instead of MRT Buendia Station. Bummer. The endpoint is, I was able to meet up with Carlo and the gang around nine in the morning.

I know that most of the people, if not everyone, were pissed off with my tardiness. And for that, I sincerely apologize. Hehe. Anyway, we arrived at the venue by eleven, and what’s more embarrassing than being late is knowing that the guys who arrived there earlier than us (or me, whichever is more fitting) waited for us before they began the event. Aww thanks. Nakakahiya talaga.

It was a tiring yet super fun day for everyone, especially when the organizers assigned us to different teams or districts. I was assigned to District 2, along with @fauxpositive, @sonic39k, @keeper_jasper, @Mate0Diaz, @fighivter, and @C3DD13. I realized meeting other pozzies in a big event is fun, I couldn’t stop laughing and smiling at their antics. We were asked to put our blindfolds and look for our districtmates while we make our distinct sounds. What’s funny is that our district settled for the deep “HUY” sound as our signal. We seriously sounded like straight guys. Wow.

There was one game which I will never ever forget - that frigging egg-catching game. @keeper_jasper threw the egg and I wasn’t able to catch it on the first try. So much for hand-eye coordination.

Kudos to @C3DD13 who answered the tie-breaker question during the quizbee, and saving our butt while most of us were either sleepy, or “high” due to their medications. Haha. Seriously, the questions were really difficult. Oh, and congratulations to @fighivter for winning the Twitter Idol contest. You were awesome!

The food prepared by @ChefPos was sumptuous! And no matter how hard I try to resist eating that Chicken Wrap due to my allergies, I just gave in to my craving. Hahahaha. It’s a good thing I brought antihistamine tablets with me.

Evening came and it was time for Mr. and Ms. #REDx. It was time for our tributes @Mate0Diaz and @C3DD13 to rock the pageant. With @fighivter as the Mamasang… er, Fashion Consultant, we were able to come up with a Gothic/Futuristic theme which was superb! Our tributes won the Resorts Wear Competition, looking like Victoria’s Secret models. @blazinghot2492 and @plusitiveguy won as Mr. and Ms. #REDx respectively. District 5 also won as overall champions for the event, with our District not far behind, lacking five points. Seriously, if I only were able to properly catch those friggin’ eggs, we could’ve won. Haha. But congratulations to District 5. =)

Later that night, an awarding ceremony was held for certain individuals, and a silent moment of prayer was offered to @chiefniko04 as well as other fellow soldiers who passed away. Although I didn’t know @chiefniko04 personally, seeing fellow pozzies cry and become emotional made me feel melancholic too. I realized life is really short, so we must always try to live each day as if it’s our last. We must always feel blessed for waking up each morning, and never forget to show our loved ones that we care for them for we will never know where this journey ends.

Alcoholic drinks poured after the event, and as much as I want to go on an epic drinking binge, I was too exhausted that I decided to go to sleep after several bottles. Well, more than several bottles to be honest. Haha. A big shoutout to @VickyBeki for offering Red Horse when I was about to throw up because I didn’t like San Mig Light. Arte.

Attending the #REDx Christmas Party made me really happy because I was able to gain new friends and catch up with guys I already met before. Through #REDx, I will always be reminded that I am not and will never be alone in this battle. That I have friends to count on everytime I feel down, and share happy and precious memories with them. We just have to keep marching on and own the scars that life gives us. Blood brothers, no matter what.

Geez, now I can’t wait for #REDxSummer. Haha. And oh, when I was going home, that’s when I realized I never took a dip in the pool. So much for a pool party for me. Haha =)

006: when love does not equate to a quarter-pounder

He sees my pill organizer while eating his midnight snack.
"That's a lot.", he flatly says.
"Try to sleep early. And exercise.
You won't have to take those anymore."

But I have to.

"It's maintenance.
I have to take them for the rest of my life."
I answered without looking back.
He let out a low 'Tch' sound.
 "Nonsense. When I was young.."

Now I didn't listen to his stories.

 Tch, nonsense.

You don't have HIV
and you have an awesome dad.

unlike me

005: Churning

said the stomach as you gobble up that goddamned bitter blue pill very very deceiving gobble up that cocktail gobble up endless piles of tablets that makes you throw up nauseous feel like shit thinking this will never end thinking if this is hell already or maybe it will when the clock chimes for the stoned gods to stop worshipping tablets that keeps them alive one day this will be over then we close our eyes dance in the nothingness sleep and hope to never wake up tossing coins with salvation and damnation while you puke yuor dinner out and your lunch out and your breakfast out of your tablet-devouring pit you wonder when will this end if the clock rings or stops either way it will end wait you have to puke your dinner last night out too just because it won't stop

yet

004: Disclosures

I've been diagnosed with HIV for almost two months now, and I have managed to disclose to a lot of people within my circle. Friends, classmates and family members. Some say I'm brave but I just cannot bear to live with this condition yet those people who are close to me have no clue about it. Parang I'm being unfair, and I feel so guilty about not disclosing.

So here's my shortlist (and I'm mustering my courage to add some more people into it):

1. When I got tested, one of my former classmates (M) knew about it. We were supposed to have a early celebration of her birthday. Needless to say, my status became my "gift" to her. She admitted she doesn't know what to say to comfort me but I really didn't need words. Her assurance that she won't be disgusted or whatnot is more than enough.

2. My friends (Y and L). I was talking about M's early birthday party. As the booze came in flowing, so did our true feelings about each other were revealed. To be honest, we were almost arguing that I just had to spill the bomb and disclose. They were shocked, but told me that everything's gonna be okay and they'll be there if I need someone to talk to. I'm feeling good because my support system is becoming stronger.

3. My bestfriend (Dora the Rat Killer). As to my previous posts, she already told me more than once that I should get tested because I'm having these weird fever attacks. After getting the result at the satellite hub, I quickly called her and told her that her wedding should happen December this year no matter what happens. My bestfriend answered that I shouldn't talk like that but got what I wanted to say. She said she cried on her way home since she was at the mall with her boyfriend and mom when I called her up. Obviously, her boyfriend (Indiano Gibbs), knew what was happening, and disclosed to him too.

4. My favorite tita. After getting the result, Y asked me if I have plans of disclosing to my relatives, and I said I'm not ready. She said I should do that ASAP since I won't be able to handle financial matters now that I'm positive. I quickly thought of disclosing to my tita and assured me that she'll be there for me and to stay optimistic about things. My tita advised me to believe that the world is always happy, and you wouldn't see the good about the world if there are no problems in life. Everytime I exchange SMS with her, I'd end up crying since I can see that she cares for me. Aww

5. My mom. It happened two weeks after being diagnosed. I just got into a messy fight with my younger brother and I started crying in my room. My mom asked me what was going on and I realized that I could not lie from her anymore. I told her about my status, and that was quite the easy part. I almost choked up telling her how I got it. She was shocked (who wouldn't be) but amidst my crying, she remained calm. I can remember some of the lines that she said while I was wailing like a retarded seal.

"Huwag ka na nang umiyak. Di nga ako umiiyak oh."

I know my mom is a strong woman, but I never realized that she is THAT strong. To be able to handle such situation is not easy at all. A mother's love is truly unconditional, and my mom showed it to me. I know that it's a bitter pill to swallow that the kid that you carried inside your womb for nine months, cared and loved for twenty-two years is now HIV positive. That's really shattering.

Moreover, she did not disown me or something to that extent. Yup, that was my fear - to be disowned by my mother.

MOM: So, sino pa ang may alam ng status mo?
ME: Close friends, si tita...
MOM: Kelan pa nya alam?
ME: After ko nadiagnose.
MOM: Bakit di mo agad sinabi sa akin?
ME: Baka kasi itakwil mo ako.

MOM: (binatukan ako) Sira ka ba, bakit ko gagawin yun?

Anyway, my mom always tries to find humor in everything, even the hardest trials. I don't know if that's her coping mechanism or what.

My mom told me to stay happy, stay strong, and stay healthy. My condition does not make me less of a person that I am, much more the person that I'm supposed to be.

She said not to overthink because I might end up cuckoo all over. Not to think of dying, as death may come in a second, a minute or maybe a day - instead, make the most out of living, because that's what matters even more.

003: Chicken and Tablets

It's been more than a month since I got diagnosed reactive to HIV1. I can say that I am still okay - although there are some emotional callbacks that I have to attend to from time to time,  plus some random reactions due to ARVs that I'm taking. Sort of.

I started taking Lamivudine-Zidovudine and Nevirapine as my cocktail last May 9. Up to this moment, I don't know how doctors can conclude if a PLHIV should take Nevi instead of Efav or other ARV. I guess I still have to research some more, or prolly ask other positive people.

The doctor said that I should keep track of reactions such as rashes, fever or flu-like symptoms and stop taking Nevi when that happens. Luckily, I did not have any of those reactions. However, I experienced those effects of the ARVs that are written on the pamphlet that I received. I'd feel really dizzy during the first few days. I'd throw up just because I don't feel good, plus the fact that I feel like I'm always hungry. The problem was, I started losing appetite so I'm either hungry OR throwing up. I'd always feel full even after eating a couple of spoonful of food. Damn, this feels like a massive hangover after a drinking binge, maybe the feeling of being pregnant.

I somehow got over those effects gradually, up to the point that it's very tolerable. Yes, I can walk on the street without thinking, "This might be a good place to vomit" or "Am I drunk? I didn't even drink."

I'm on my 29th day of taking Nevirapine, and I'm still okay. Lucky!

Regarding my adherence to ARVs, there was one time when I slept the whole night and woke up at around 1AM. I am taking my medicines every 10AM/PM. And voila, first time that I took them late. I vowed for that to never happen again. Okay, maybe a couple of times but I must not make it a habit to forget to take them. I should not be that stupid.

There are also times when I'd be stupid and all that:

(1) the meds slipped from my hand while I'm in front of the sink and my heart stopped while looking at those tablets rolling towards that unforgiving drainage. My impulse was to cover the drainage it gobbles up all those tablets. Haha. The monster ate one of my Vitamin C tablets.

or:

(2) the meds slipped from my hand while I'm inside the bus. I panicked and quickly looked for it, thinking that other passengers might step on it or something. Luckily, the tablet landed on my shorts. Haha.

The doctor also advised me to refrain from eating chicken, eggs and seafood to single out reactions from the medicines. Not eatinf seafood is totally fine with me since I am allergic to most of those shell-clad bastards. I can also live without eggs for some time too; my mom told me that when I was 7, i'd eat sunny-side-up everyday. So yeah, I can handle that.

The problem is with the chicken. Mama likes to cook chicken as it is easy to prepare and has lesser cooking time when compared to red meat. And I like to eat chicken too. Fried, adobo, pininyahan. Goddammit. As difficult as it it for me not to eat street food, I obliged. Come on, I am scared of rashes, more than the other side effects. Haha.

I dreamed about eating chicken at KFC. From ordering a one-piece chicken (plus mushroom soup and macaroni salad), eating it (along with a lot of gravy) up to actually feeling full and happy because of what I ate. I was that desperate to eat chicken. Haha.

After 29 days of not eating that white meat - I have to laugh victoriously because I ate chicken at Bonchon with a pozzie I met from Twitter. And god, that was the best tasting chicken I ever ate.

I do not wish to change meds right now, I am completely fine with the hangover-like effects of my combo. Heck, I woke up a couple of times with massive hangovers, so this is nothing new to me. I am kind of relieved that I can still experience "hangover" without drinking alcohol. And I do not want to switch to Efavirenz. (Sorry >_<)

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 1: Your Best Friend

May 2, 2013, 10:41 P.M.

Dear Dora the Rat Killer,

Hi Bess. So, it's been seven years since we met. Naalala ko pa, super hardcore ka pa magsayaw sa ParaPara, tapos ako konti pa lang ang alam ko nun. To be honest, hindi ko alam kung bakit naging magbestfriend tayo. Ikaw, alam mo ba? Haha :)

Nonetheless, I'm still thankful that you became my best friend. You've been there through my ups and downs. You never left my side - just like a true friend. We've had our own share of hell, yet we managed to pull it off and become better versions of ourselves.

I must admit that there are things that we have done in the past that we're kinda not proud of. However, I think they're just ways for us to realize our shortcomings as individuals, and ultimately change for the better.

I am happy that you found your man, finally may mag-aalaga na sa'yo. You've been in charge with your previous relationships na toxic na. As much as I'd like to slap some sense in you, naturally stubborn ka eh. At least I can say that Indiano Gibbs will take care of you the same way you take care of him.

I'm excited about your wedding. I've been practicing hard with my song number. I want that song to mean so much to you.

You're a strong woman, sa'yo ako kumukuha ng lakas ng loob to continue with my life, despite what happened. I will always cherish our friendship no matter what happens.

I know that behind the laugh that you let out whenever we're together lies the tears you try to stifle and hold back. I know you're hurting for me, and I understand it. I am hurting too, but what pains me more is the fact that you share a piece of my burden that I know you don't deserve.

I want you to know that I am okay. I am strong, because I have a friend like you. A support system, a strudy rock to lean on. Shit, naiiyak ako.

Lastly, I want to thank you because over the years, you have treated me more than a friend. You treat me like a brother (although Tim Gunn is kinda counted too. Hehe) Lahat ng favors na ginawa mo para sa akin, I appreciate them. You know I do. I will always remember all the fun we had when we're together and never in my life will I ever forget them.

Just know that you'll always hold a very special place in my heart. Sa may right ventricle.

Labia minora, bess. :)

-The Poztmodern Guy

30-Day Letter Challenge

I got this from a former schoolmate's blog. I decided to do this too. Wala lang. I just wanted to accomplish something. I am writing the letters on paper aside from posting it on this blog. I sealed the first letter in an envelope at hinulog sa drop box sa suking tindahan. Char. I will seal each letter and have the following people read it when the time comes. LOL



Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

002: Re: "Something"

What is this "something"? Please refer to the first post, What is Inside the Box?

Now that you kinda know what that "something" is, I feel like I have to tell you what really happened.

I don't remember anything: their names, the date, where it happened. But I can remember what happened and I guess it is enough to be able to tell this story.

One of my common friends asked me to go to a drinking binge with some of his common friends in the CAMANAVA area. Being the perennial drinker that I am, I decided to go there. It was really foolish of me to switch plans, because my best friend asked me to accompany her to a party she'll be attending but I chose not to.

I know that I have a high tolerance in drinking alcoholic drinks. The Bar pa yung ininom namin nun, I was feeling confident that I can go home even if I'm not sober enough.

Two guys came to fetch me in Monumento, small talks and stuff. While we were traveling, my friend texted me that he won't be able to join tonight because he has some other things to do. I just shrugged and replied that it's fine. Tutal, I'm with these guys already.

The drinking session began, and after finishing a bottle, I excused myself to go to the john. We resumed after I came back, but somehow I felt weird. Light-headed. Then sleepy.

When I gained consciousness (but I was still really dizzy to get up and fight back), I realized these guys have already stripped my clothes off, one of them penetrating my behind, without any condom.The other guy forced me to suck him off, which I tried to dodge. I had braces back then, and the continuous scraping of the braces with my mouth created sores.

He came on my mouth. And inside me.

They left me afterwards. I don't know how long I have been lying down, devoid of any clothing. When I can finally stand up, I just put my clothes on and went home. Nobody was inside the house, the guys were nowhere to be found.

I dismissed what happened. After that incident, I had a fever from Friday night until Monday night. My best friend was worried about my condition and told me that it could be the first sign that I am infected with HIV.

I didn't believe her. Lagnat laki lang 'to.

But when I didn't grow up, that's when I started worrying.

I have been really adamant about using protection during sex, but that was the only time where I had unprotected sex; and I didn't even like it. I just have read articles like this and laugh, thinking that they're such wussies, "Why would men get raped?"  I didn't expect that such incident would happen to me.

When I got diagnosed, it was the only thing I had in mind. Were they positive? Did they infect me? Weird enough, I did not have the urge to hunt them down and seek revenge. I just wish that they won't infect others.

I created this post not to take pity of what happened to me, since I am not 100 percent sure that they are the culprit. However, I just want everyone to be aware and vigilant of what's happening in society nowadays. That aside from HIV, cases of harassment can also be alarming, whether or not the suspects are positive.

I don't know how to end this blog post. So...

001: What is Inside The Box?

There are times when you just feel that life gave you a sealed "box" and you must try to open it once you're ready. That's what happened to me over the past few weeks.

To tell you honestly, I have been very compliant with the rubber-lubricant combo. However, something REALLY bad happened, that I received this "box" I am talking about now..

Okay, after "that" happened to me, I had fever the whole weekend. I'd feel fine in the morning, then my temp would rise up to 39-40C at night. I was thinking na lagnat laki lang to. Pero nung hindi naman ako lumaki, that's when I started to worry.


Over the past few weeks, I have been plagued by worries and doubts about my HIV status. I became so paranoid that time. My body did not show any symptoms, and that's what made me worry even more.

I decided to open my "box" once and for all, and went to RITM Satellite Clinic in Malate. Unfortunately, I came around 5:30 P.M. and would have to return the next day. I still have wavering feelings about getting tested, but I have no other option to take.

I slept over at a former classmate's pad. I told her I was getting tested and she tried to cheer me up, although she admitted that she doesn't know what to say to comfort me. I said it's fine, there are times when you just need someone to be with in times of uncertainty.

Saturday, April 13, 2013. I decided to return to RITM Malate after watching 2 episodes of Jetman with my friend. I was still scared, I mean, who wouldn't be?

When I entered the hub, there are people inside but I tried not to look at them. I don't know why, but I don't feel like checking people out that day. My concern was the test I'll be taking in a bit.

So pre-counseling stuff. The guy who administered the counseling was trying to make the conversation as light as possible. Despite my worries, weird enough, my heart was at peace. Damn, my emotions are in chaos.

They asked me to come back after two hours for the results. I hurried back to my friend's pad, and ate our late lunch at Cash&Carry.

Around 6PM, I went back to the hub. After ushering me to a room, the guy handed me an envelope. That was the "box" I was meant to open.

To be honest, I didn't know what those codes mean. But I was able to understand one thing. That I was reactive to HIV1. Reactive. I am HIV Positive now.

The guy told me it is okay, that I can live my life normally. For a while, I believed him. But I don't need consoling, I want to know what I should do next. He said I can cry and release all the emotions that I harbored after opening the envelope. I did not. I just remained steady and calm, and asked for a hug from this stranger. Hugs make me calm.

I did not cry after leaving the hub, I'm not sure about what I am feeling that exact moment. I just want to go back to my friend's house and rest. I just felt tired.

I still have the same unwavering feelings. I have tons of unanswered questions. Hopefully, the time will come when I can fully understand the changes I should do after being diagnosed with HIV.

Wow. I just wish that an instruction manual is included in my "box".

(If I were to relate this experience with Edwin Schrödinger's thought theory, I'd say the cat inside the box is dead.)