004: Disclosures

I've been diagnosed with HIV for almost two months now, and I have managed to disclose to a lot of people within my circle. Friends, classmates and family members. Some say I'm brave but I just cannot bear to live with this condition yet those people who are close to me have no clue about it. Parang I'm being unfair, and I feel so guilty about not disclosing.

So here's my shortlist (and I'm mustering my courage to add some more people into it):

1. When I got tested, one of my former classmates (M) knew about it. We were supposed to have a early celebration of her birthday. Needless to say, my status became my "gift" to her. She admitted she doesn't know what to say to comfort me but I really didn't need words. Her assurance that she won't be disgusted or whatnot is more than enough.

2. My friends (Y and L). I was talking about M's early birthday party. As the booze came in flowing, so did our true feelings about each other were revealed. To be honest, we were almost arguing that I just had to spill the bomb and disclose. They were shocked, but told me that everything's gonna be okay and they'll be there if I need someone to talk to. I'm feeling good because my support system is becoming stronger.

3. My bestfriend (Dora the Rat Killer). As to my previous posts, she already told me more than once that I should get tested because I'm having these weird fever attacks. After getting the result at the satellite hub, I quickly called her and told her that her wedding should happen December this year no matter what happens. My bestfriend answered that I shouldn't talk like that but got what I wanted to say. She said she cried on her way home since she was at the mall with her boyfriend and mom when I called her up. Obviously, her boyfriend (Indiano Gibbs), knew what was happening, and disclosed to him too.

4. My favorite tita. After getting the result, Y asked me if I have plans of disclosing to my relatives, and I said I'm not ready. She said I should do that ASAP since I won't be able to handle financial matters now that I'm positive. I quickly thought of disclosing to my tita and assured me that she'll be there for me and to stay optimistic about things. My tita advised me to believe that the world is always happy, and you wouldn't see the good about the world if there are no problems in life. Everytime I exchange SMS with her, I'd end up crying since I can see that she cares for me. Aww

5. My mom. It happened two weeks after being diagnosed. I just got into a messy fight with my younger brother and I started crying in my room. My mom asked me what was going on and I realized that I could not lie from her anymore. I told her about my status, and that was quite the easy part. I almost choked up telling her how I got it. She was shocked (who wouldn't be) but amidst my crying, she remained calm. I can remember some of the lines that she said while I was wailing like a retarded seal.

"Huwag ka na nang umiyak. Di nga ako umiiyak oh."

I know my mom is a strong woman, but I never realized that she is THAT strong. To be able to handle such situation is not easy at all. A mother's love is truly unconditional, and my mom showed it to me. I know that it's a bitter pill to swallow that the kid that you carried inside your womb for nine months, cared and loved for twenty-two years is now HIV positive. That's really shattering.

Moreover, she did not disown me or something to that extent. Yup, that was my fear - to be disowned by my mother.

MOM: So, sino pa ang may alam ng status mo?
ME: Close friends, si tita...
MOM: Kelan pa nya alam?
ME: After ko nadiagnose.
MOM: Bakit di mo agad sinabi sa akin?
ME: Baka kasi itakwil mo ako.

MOM: (binatukan ako) Sira ka ba, bakit ko gagawin yun?

Anyway, my mom always tries to find humor in everything, even the hardest trials. I don't know if that's her coping mechanism or what.

My mom told me to stay happy, stay strong, and stay healthy. My condition does not make me less of a person that I am, much more the person that I'm supposed to be.

She said not to overthink because I might end up cuckoo all over. Not to think of dying, as death may come in a second, a minute or maybe a day - instead, make the most out of living, because that's what matters even more.