009: The Ocean, Internet Usage, and Anniversary Blues

I always planned out what I will do once April 13 comes, I always thought it would be my “personal holiday” ever since I got diagnosed the same day last year. I would spend the day alone, turn off my phone and log out all my social networking accounts. It was like taking a one-day Sabbatical to contemplate on the first year of being a PLHIV.

April 13 came and I just can’t stop myself but to check on Twitter and Facebook. Some of the friends who knew that “day” messaged me and told me it was cool – but it really wasn’t too cool, at least for me. I believed I should give in to my urge to have an existential bump even for just one whole day each year.

I talked to my district mates in WeChat and it really wasn’t a big deal for them, not because they didn’t care, but more likely because they didn’t want me to sulk in a corner and feel like a dunce. Some pozzies in Twitter also were kinda supportive. Although my original plan was to disconnect from the world, Internet didn’t really gave me the chance to do so. I realized that I wasn’t that distressed same day last year – I was nervous about my results so I watched a few Jetman episodes, got the results, disclosed to my close friends that time, and enjoyed the little birthday celebration we cooked up for a college friend.

Yesterday, my family and I went to a beach resort in Quezon. Sure I had fun, but seeing the ocean gave me a calming feel. While watching the waves crash into the rocks later that day, I gave myself a pep talk about some of the things I learned on my first year.

I realized that being HIV Positive opened my eyes to a lot of things, mainly not to dread or fear something that is inside of us. Facing the problem head-on and searching for possible solutions to overcome that fear seems to be much of a better idea than just burying your head in your bed. I thought that my status did not change who I am, much more who I want to be in the future. It stays right here, dreams, goals and whatnot. The virus did not change anything about me – I am still human.

I learned how to treasure and rekindle friendships that are worth keeping, and let go of those who are weighing me down. I met a lot of awesome people, who share the same condition as me. I may not know all of their stories, but I do know that they are brave enough to face the virus every single day.

HIV taught me not to fear death, as it is imminent. It simply clarified my will to live, and how to be grateful for each day that you’re alive. It’s like saying, “I may have this virus but hey, I’m still alive” everytime I’m reminded of my condition.

During my first year of being a PLHIV, I have learned a lot – be it about the condition or personal insights about life itself, “existential bumps” as I call it. Even if this is true, I know that I still have a lot to learn. I kept on finding answers about the questions in life like a grade-schooler trying to understand organic chemistry, but I realized that there’s something wrong with that approach. I gotta slow down some time and let the universe determine what’s in store for you. Not relying too much on fate or destiny here, rather stop being too rational and enjoy the little things.

Life is like being in school, you continuously learn everyday. And HIV is like enrolling in a lifetime course of existentialism, with a pinch of dramatistic criticism on the side. All life is drama.

Believe me, April 13 will still be a “personal holiday” for me. The difference is I won’t mope around. Instead, I’ll start celebrating being alive for one more year – that’s a more comforting thought.

If you want to find something, you have to stop looking. Sometimes, that’s all you need to do.

008: REDxSUMMER: Home is whenever I'm with...

              

                  Is it freak coincidence that every major #REDx gathering happens a day after a major event that I have to attend to? Last Christmas, #REDx happened the day after my best friend’s wedding. Now, #REDxSummer happened a day after my graduation. Freak coincidence or not, I still decided to join the summer getaway but now with a partner, @MoymoyOfficial. Oh yeah.

                People who attended #REDxSummer probably witnessed how tired I was. From Laguna, we travelled to QC around 8 PM. We stayed at Dad @dvocateHIV’s home but I wasn’t able to sleep which made me even more tired. I wasn’t late this time, but I was really exhausted that I had to sleep during the bus ride, even though people are playing games. Sorry District 2.

                Before the said event, the organizers announced the additional members to the Districts. After several confusing updates, @Kaskade08, @Pozandliving, @RheynJhay, @JPositiveLife, and Niño were added to our rowdy bunch. We chatted and prepared for the event, even arguing about our district’s mantra and putting paint on our faces for added emphasis on our cheer, which was ultimately futile since new tribes were created when we arrived at the island. Gaaarsh. That was really frustrating. I just hope that during the next #REDx event, the organizers will group us according to the original Districts, because that will only show who’s the best District in #REDx. I bet you ten to one, it’s District 2!

                I won’t write about all the games we played that day. All I can say that it was exhausting! However, as tiring as it was, it was really fun to play with my new tribemates, Blue Tribe. I wasn’t able to remember all of my new tribemate’s names, but it was fun working with you guys. Apir. One game that I can’t forget was when we were asked to soak our clothes in seawater, put it in a 1.5 bottle, and the person who’s able to fill it to its mouth will pour it on his body. Unfortunately, it was my turn when our bottle was full, so I had to do a scene while “showering”. While we were playing, I noticed that the bottle’s content turned a weird blue shade, which didn’t happen with the other bottles. Turns out it was previously filled with gasoline, I guess.

                Another one that’s worth blogging was the “human centipede” game, or whatever it was called - it was the game from hell.

                People started yelling “Amoy gas!”, and I realized it was me. Great. I had to stop playing and take a loooong bath to get rid of the smell. So much for the “Late Kid” during #REDx, I was now “Ang Batang Naligo Sa Gas.”

                The meal was sumptuous and I ate like there’s no tomorrow. Can’t really blame me because the activities were tiring plus we were technically being burnt by the scorching sand. Good thing I didn’t get too sunburnt. I really liked our merienda, Turon with Buko Salad and Cherry on Top. It was delicious, and what made it more fun was when we goofed around with the turon’s “twists”.

                Lumpiang Gulay, Lumpiang Shanghai, Lumpiang Togue, Cheese Stick with Buko Salad and Cherry on Top. Turon with Cream Dory or Carbonara and Cherry on Top. The list and twists were neverending.

                @Pozandliving and his hubby @sadface_21 helped us build our tent. We even joked that we’re neighbors and @sadface_21 was my “Kumare”. That was fun.

                My partner, @MoymoyOfficial, was chosen to be their tribe’s contender for Miss REDx Bikini Open, and I didn’t really expect that he’d do it. I bursted out laughing when he started with that famous line from The Legal Wife, “Nicole, akin lang ang asawa ko!” I know that Moymoy is an avid fan of Angel Locsin, so it was a no-brainer that she’ll be his “peg.” Oh well, I’m still a proud boyfriend. I hope I can do that too once #LittleMissREDx happens. LOL

                After the bikini open, we gathered around the bonfire. Bodyshots happened. Some of the attendees lit up paper lanterns, while the rest of us got a tealight candle in a cup, and let it float on the sea. @jonstaycool said that it symbolized things that we would like to let go of. Indeed, as I watched the candles slowly sailing into the vast sea, it felt like I should let go of my worries and apprehensions in life. And just enjoy every bit of it.

                @Kaskade08 did an awesome fire dance while the event’s theme, “Free” was playing. I watched as the flames twirled and glowed in the dark. It was a majestic sight, and I was mesmerized.

                We were able to have some well-deserved R&R after all the activities, but I was just TOO tired to function, so I went to sleep after finishing a bottle of Red Horse. I just wish the fan that my hubby brought didn’t get lost. The weather was humid, and I wasn’t able to sleep well.

                I know that kidWolf and BV’s “Free” was blasting ever since I went inside the bus up until we went home, for it was the theme song for #REDxSummer (which I suggested), but it felt like Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros “Home” would be fit better for this blog post. Wanna know why?

                I have been through a lot of personal issues and struggles, more than a PLHIV, but as a person. Despite all of these, I still anticipated for the #REDxSummer event because I know that it is a good way to unwind, meet new as well as old friends in our showbiz circle. The #REDx Christmas event reminded me that I am not and will never be alone in this battle with HIV - I have brothers. Through #REDxSummer, I realized another thing.

                Be it a resort during the Christmas or an island during the summer, I know that with #REDx, I have another family waiting for me – the “Late Kid” and now, “Ang Batang Naligo ng Gas”. It felt like I have a home whenever I’m with you guys.

                With #REDx, I am home.

P.S. 

You might wanna listen to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros' "Home". Here it is. Enjoy!