There are times when you just feel that life gave you a sealed "box" and you must try to open it once you're ready. That's what happened to me over the past few weeks.
To tell you honestly, I have been very compliant with the rubber-lubricant combo. However, something REALLY bad happened, that I received this "box" I am talking about now..
Okay, after "that" happened to me, I had fever the whole weekend. I'd feel fine in the morning, then my temp would rise up to 39-40C at night. I was thinking na lagnat laki lang to. Pero nung hindi naman ako lumaki, that's when I started to worry.
Over the past few weeks, I have been plagued by worries and doubts about my HIV status. I became so paranoid that time. My body did not show any symptoms, and that's what made me worry even more.
I decided to open my "box" once and for all, and went to RITM Satellite Clinic in Malate. Unfortunately, I came around 5:30 P.M. and would have to return the next day. I still have wavering feelings about getting tested, but I have no other option to take.
I slept over at a former classmate's pad. I told her I was getting tested and she tried to cheer me up, although she admitted that she doesn't know what to say to comfort me. I said it's fine, there are times when you just need someone to be with in times of uncertainty.
Saturday, April 13, 2013. I decided to return to RITM Malate after watching 2 episodes of Jetman with my friend. I was still scared, I mean, who wouldn't be?
When I entered the hub, there are people inside but I tried not to look at them. I don't know why, but I don't feel like checking people out that day. My concern was the test I'll be taking in a bit.
So pre-counseling stuff. The guy who administered the counseling was trying to make the conversation as light as possible. Despite my worries, weird enough, my heart was at peace. Damn, my emotions are in chaos.
They asked me to come back after two hours for the results. I hurried back to my friend's pad, and ate our late lunch at Cash&Carry.
Around 6PM, I went back to the hub. After ushering me to a room, the guy handed me an envelope. That was the "box" I was meant to open.
To be honest, I didn't know what those codes mean. But I was able to understand one thing. That I was reactive to HIV1. Reactive. I am HIV Positive now.
The guy told me it is okay, that I can live my life normally. For a while, I believed him. But I don't need consoling, I want to know what I should do next. He said I can cry and release all the emotions that I harbored after opening the envelope. I did not. I just remained steady and calm, and asked for a hug from this stranger. Hugs make me calm.
I did not cry after leaving the hub, I'm not sure about what I am feeling that exact moment. I just want to go back to my friend's house and rest. I just felt tired.
I still have the same unwavering feelings. I have tons of unanswered questions. Hopefully, the time will come when I can fully understand the changes I should do after being diagnosed with HIV.
Wow. I just wish that an instruction manual is included in my "box".
(If I were to relate this experience with Edwin Schrödinger's thought theory, I'd say the cat inside the box is dead.)
