I always planned out what I will do once April 13 comes, I
always thought it would be my “personal holiday” ever since I got diagnosed the
same day last year. I would spend the day alone, turn off my phone and log out
all my social networking accounts. It was like taking a one-day Sabbatical to
contemplate on the first year of being a PLHIV.
April 13 came and I just can’t stop myself but to check on
Twitter and Facebook. Some of the friends who knew that “day” messaged me and
told me it was cool – but it really wasn’t too cool, at least for me. I
believed I should give in to my urge to have an existential bump even for just
one whole day each year.
I talked to my district mates in WeChat and it really wasn’t
a big deal for them, not because they didn’t care, but more likely because they
didn’t want me to sulk in a corner and feel like a dunce. Some pozzies in
Twitter also were kinda supportive. Although my original plan was to disconnect
from the world, Internet didn’t really gave me the chance to do so. I realized
that I wasn’t that distressed same day last year – I was nervous about my results
so I watched a few Jetman episodes, got the results, disclosed to my close
friends that time, and enjoyed the little birthday celebration we cooked up for
a college friend.
Yesterday, my family and I went to a beach resort in Quezon.
Sure I had fun, but seeing the ocean gave me a calming feel. While watching the
waves crash into the rocks later that day, I gave myself a pep talk about some
of the things I learned on my first year.
I realized that being HIV Positive opened my eyes to a lot
of things, mainly not to dread or fear something that is inside of us. Facing
the problem head-on and searching for possible solutions to overcome that fear
seems to be much of a better idea than just burying your head in your bed. I
thought that my status did not change who I am, much more who I want to be in
the future. It stays right here, dreams, goals and whatnot. The virus did not
change anything about me – I am still human.
I learned how to treasure and rekindle friendships that are
worth keeping, and let go of those who are weighing me down. I met a lot of
awesome people, who share the same condition as me. I may not know all of their
stories, but I do know that they are brave enough to face the virus every single
day.
HIV taught me not to fear death, as it is imminent. It simply
clarified my will to live, and how to be grateful for each day that you’re
alive. It’s like saying, “I may have this virus but hey, I’m still alive”
everytime I’m reminded of my condition.
During my first year of being a PLHIV, I have learned a lot –
be it about the condition or personal insights about life itself, “existential
bumps” as I call it. Even if this is true, I know that I still have a lot to
learn. I kept on finding answers about the questions in life like a
grade-schooler trying to understand organic chemistry, but I realized that
there’s something wrong with that approach. I gotta slow down some time and let
the universe determine what’s in store for you. Not relying too much on fate or
destiny here, rather stop being too rational and enjoy the little things.
Life is like being in school, you continuously learn
everyday. And HIV is like enrolling in a lifetime course of existentialism,
with a pinch of dramatistic criticism on the side. All life is drama.
Believe me, April 13 will still be a “personal holiday” for
me. The difference is I won’t mope around. Instead, I’ll start celebrating
being alive for one more year – that’s a more comforting thought.
If you want to find something, you have to stop looking.
Sometimes, that’s all you need to do.
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