006: when love does not equate to a quarter-pounder

He sees my pill organizer while eating his midnight snack.
"That's a lot.", he flatly says.
"Try to sleep early. And exercise.
You won't have to take those anymore."

But I have to.

"It's maintenance.
I have to take them for the rest of my life."
I answered without looking back.
He let out a low 'Tch' sound.
 "Nonsense. When I was young.."

Now I didn't listen to his stories.

 Tch, nonsense.

You don't have HIV
and you have an awesome dad.

unlike me

005: Churning

said the stomach as you gobble up that goddamned bitter blue pill very very deceiving gobble up that cocktail gobble up endless piles of tablets that makes you throw up nauseous feel like shit thinking this will never end thinking if this is hell already or maybe it will when the clock chimes for the stoned gods to stop worshipping tablets that keeps them alive one day this will be over then we close our eyes dance in the nothingness sleep and hope to never wake up tossing coins with salvation and damnation while you puke yuor dinner out and your lunch out and your breakfast out of your tablet-devouring pit you wonder when will this end if the clock rings or stops either way it will end wait you have to puke your dinner last night out too just because it won't stop

yet

004: Disclosures

I've been diagnosed with HIV for almost two months now, and I have managed to disclose to a lot of people within my circle. Friends, classmates and family members. Some say I'm brave but I just cannot bear to live with this condition yet those people who are close to me have no clue about it. Parang I'm being unfair, and I feel so guilty about not disclosing.

So here's my shortlist (and I'm mustering my courage to add some more people into it):

1. When I got tested, one of my former classmates (M) knew about it. We were supposed to have a early celebration of her birthday. Needless to say, my status became my "gift" to her. She admitted she doesn't know what to say to comfort me but I really didn't need words. Her assurance that she won't be disgusted or whatnot is more than enough.

2. My friends (Y and L). I was talking about M's early birthday party. As the booze came in flowing, so did our true feelings about each other were revealed. To be honest, we were almost arguing that I just had to spill the bomb and disclose. They were shocked, but told me that everything's gonna be okay and they'll be there if I need someone to talk to. I'm feeling good because my support system is becoming stronger.

3. My bestfriend (Dora the Rat Killer). As to my previous posts, she already told me more than once that I should get tested because I'm having these weird fever attacks. After getting the result at the satellite hub, I quickly called her and told her that her wedding should happen December this year no matter what happens. My bestfriend answered that I shouldn't talk like that but got what I wanted to say. She said she cried on her way home since she was at the mall with her boyfriend and mom when I called her up. Obviously, her boyfriend (Indiano Gibbs), knew what was happening, and disclosed to him too.

4. My favorite tita. After getting the result, Y asked me if I have plans of disclosing to my relatives, and I said I'm not ready. She said I should do that ASAP since I won't be able to handle financial matters now that I'm positive. I quickly thought of disclosing to my tita and assured me that she'll be there for me and to stay optimistic about things. My tita advised me to believe that the world is always happy, and you wouldn't see the good about the world if there are no problems in life. Everytime I exchange SMS with her, I'd end up crying since I can see that she cares for me. Aww

5. My mom. It happened two weeks after being diagnosed. I just got into a messy fight with my younger brother and I started crying in my room. My mom asked me what was going on and I realized that I could not lie from her anymore. I told her about my status, and that was quite the easy part. I almost choked up telling her how I got it. She was shocked (who wouldn't be) but amidst my crying, she remained calm. I can remember some of the lines that she said while I was wailing like a retarded seal.

"Huwag ka na nang umiyak. Di nga ako umiiyak oh."

I know my mom is a strong woman, but I never realized that she is THAT strong. To be able to handle such situation is not easy at all. A mother's love is truly unconditional, and my mom showed it to me. I know that it's a bitter pill to swallow that the kid that you carried inside your womb for nine months, cared and loved for twenty-two years is now HIV positive. That's really shattering.

Moreover, she did not disown me or something to that extent. Yup, that was my fear - to be disowned by my mother.

MOM: So, sino pa ang may alam ng status mo?
ME: Close friends, si tita...
MOM: Kelan pa nya alam?
ME: After ko nadiagnose.
MOM: Bakit di mo agad sinabi sa akin?
ME: Baka kasi itakwil mo ako.

MOM: (binatukan ako) Sira ka ba, bakit ko gagawin yun?

Anyway, my mom always tries to find humor in everything, even the hardest trials. I don't know if that's her coping mechanism or what.

My mom told me to stay happy, stay strong, and stay healthy. My condition does not make me less of a person that I am, much more the person that I'm supposed to be.

She said not to overthink because I might end up cuckoo all over. Not to think of dying, as death may come in a second, a minute or maybe a day - instead, make the most out of living, because that's what matters even more.

003: Chicken and Tablets

It's been more than a month since I got diagnosed reactive to HIV1. I can say that I am still okay - although there are some emotional callbacks that I have to attend to from time to time,  plus some random reactions due to ARVs that I'm taking. Sort of.

I started taking Lamivudine-Zidovudine and Nevirapine as my cocktail last May 9. Up to this moment, I don't know how doctors can conclude if a PLHIV should take Nevi instead of Efav or other ARV. I guess I still have to research some more, or prolly ask other positive people.

The doctor said that I should keep track of reactions such as rashes, fever or flu-like symptoms and stop taking Nevi when that happens. Luckily, I did not have any of those reactions. However, I experienced those effects of the ARVs that are written on the pamphlet that I received. I'd feel really dizzy during the first few days. I'd throw up just because I don't feel good, plus the fact that I feel like I'm always hungry. The problem was, I started losing appetite so I'm either hungry OR throwing up. I'd always feel full even after eating a couple of spoonful of food. Damn, this feels like a massive hangover after a drinking binge, maybe the feeling of being pregnant.

I somehow got over those effects gradually, up to the point that it's very tolerable. Yes, I can walk on the street without thinking, "This might be a good place to vomit" or "Am I drunk? I didn't even drink."

I'm on my 29th day of taking Nevirapine, and I'm still okay. Lucky!

Regarding my adherence to ARVs, there was one time when I slept the whole night and woke up at around 1AM. I am taking my medicines every 10AM/PM. And voila, first time that I took them late. I vowed for that to never happen again. Okay, maybe a couple of times but I must not make it a habit to forget to take them. I should not be that stupid.

There are also times when I'd be stupid and all that:

(1) the meds slipped from my hand while I'm in front of the sink and my heart stopped while looking at those tablets rolling towards that unforgiving drainage. My impulse was to cover the drainage it gobbles up all those tablets. Haha. The monster ate one of my Vitamin C tablets.

or:

(2) the meds slipped from my hand while I'm inside the bus. I panicked and quickly looked for it, thinking that other passengers might step on it or something. Luckily, the tablet landed on my shorts. Haha.

The doctor also advised me to refrain from eating chicken, eggs and seafood to single out reactions from the medicines. Not eatinf seafood is totally fine with me since I am allergic to most of those shell-clad bastards. I can also live without eggs for some time too; my mom told me that when I was 7, i'd eat sunny-side-up everyday. So yeah, I can handle that.

The problem is with the chicken. Mama likes to cook chicken as it is easy to prepare and has lesser cooking time when compared to red meat. And I like to eat chicken too. Fried, adobo, pininyahan. Goddammit. As difficult as it it for me not to eat street food, I obliged. Come on, I am scared of rashes, more than the other side effects. Haha.

I dreamed about eating chicken at KFC. From ordering a one-piece chicken (plus mushroom soup and macaroni salad), eating it (along with a lot of gravy) up to actually feeling full and happy because of what I ate. I was that desperate to eat chicken. Haha.

After 29 days of not eating that white meat - I have to laugh victoriously because I ate chicken at Bonchon with a pozzie I met from Twitter. And god, that was the best tasting chicken I ever ate.

I do not wish to change meds right now, I am completely fine with the hangover-like effects of my combo. Heck, I woke up a couple of times with massive hangovers, so this is nothing new to me. I am kind of relieved that I can still experience "hangover" without drinking alcohol. And I do not want to switch to Efavirenz. (Sorry >_<)

Day 1 — Your Best Friend

Day 1: Your Best Friend

May 2, 2013, 10:41 P.M.

Dear Dora the Rat Killer,

Hi Bess. So, it's been seven years since we met. Naalala ko pa, super hardcore ka pa magsayaw sa ParaPara, tapos ako konti pa lang ang alam ko nun. To be honest, hindi ko alam kung bakit naging magbestfriend tayo. Ikaw, alam mo ba? Haha :)

Nonetheless, I'm still thankful that you became my best friend. You've been there through my ups and downs. You never left my side - just like a true friend. We've had our own share of hell, yet we managed to pull it off and become better versions of ourselves.

I must admit that there are things that we have done in the past that we're kinda not proud of. However, I think they're just ways for us to realize our shortcomings as individuals, and ultimately change for the better.

I am happy that you found your man, finally may mag-aalaga na sa'yo. You've been in charge with your previous relationships na toxic na. As much as I'd like to slap some sense in you, naturally stubborn ka eh. At least I can say that Indiano Gibbs will take care of you the same way you take care of him.

I'm excited about your wedding. I've been practicing hard with my song number. I want that song to mean so much to you.

You're a strong woman, sa'yo ako kumukuha ng lakas ng loob to continue with my life, despite what happened. I will always cherish our friendship no matter what happens.

I know that behind the laugh that you let out whenever we're together lies the tears you try to stifle and hold back. I know you're hurting for me, and I understand it. I am hurting too, but what pains me more is the fact that you share a piece of my burden that I know you don't deserve.

I want you to know that I am okay. I am strong, because I have a friend like you. A support system, a strudy rock to lean on. Shit, naiiyak ako.

Lastly, I want to thank you because over the years, you have treated me more than a friend. You treat me like a brother (although Tim Gunn is kinda counted too. Hehe) Lahat ng favors na ginawa mo para sa akin, I appreciate them. You know I do. I will always remember all the fun we had when we're together and never in my life will I ever forget them.

Just know that you'll always hold a very special place in my heart. Sa may right ventricle.

Labia minora, bess. :)

-The Poztmodern Guy

30-Day Letter Challenge

I got this from a former schoolmate's blog. I decided to do this too. Wala lang. I just wanted to accomplish something. I am writing the letters on paper aside from posting it on this blog. I sealed the first letter in an envelope at hinulog sa drop box sa suking tindahan. Char. I will seal each letter and have the following people read it when the time comes. LOL



Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

002: Re: "Something"

What is this "something"? Please refer to the first post, What is Inside the Box?

Now that you kinda know what that "something" is, I feel like I have to tell you what really happened.

I don't remember anything: their names, the date, where it happened. But I can remember what happened and I guess it is enough to be able to tell this story.

One of my common friends asked me to go to a drinking binge with some of his common friends in the CAMANAVA area. Being the perennial drinker that I am, I decided to go there. It was really foolish of me to switch plans, because my best friend asked me to accompany her to a party she'll be attending but I chose not to.

I know that I have a high tolerance in drinking alcoholic drinks. The Bar pa yung ininom namin nun, I was feeling confident that I can go home even if I'm not sober enough.

Two guys came to fetch me in Monumento, small talks and stuff. While we were traveling, my friend texted me that he won't be able to join tonight because he has some other things to do. I just shrugged and replied that it's fine. Tutal, I'm with these guys already.

The drinking session began, and after finishing a bottle, I excused myself to go to the john. We resumed after I came back, but somehow I felt weird. Light-headed. Then sleepy.

When I gained consciousness (but I was still really dizzy to get up and fight back), I realized these guys have already stripped my clothes off, one of them penetrating my behind, without any condom.The other guy forced me to suck him off, which I tried to dodge. I had braces back then, and the continuous scraping of the braces with my mouth created sores.

He came on my mouth. And inside me.

They left me afterwards. I don't know how long I have been lying down, devoid of any clothing. When I can finally stand up, I just put my clothes on and went home. Nobody was inside the house, the guys were nowhere to be found.

I dismissed what happened. After that incident, I had a fever from Friday night until Monday night. My best friend was worried about my condition and told me that it could be the first sign that I am infected with HIV.

I didn't believe her. Lagnat laki lang 'to.

But when I didn't grow up, that's when I started worrying.

I have been really adamant about using protection during sex, but that was the only time where I had unprotected sex; and I didn't even like it. I just have read articles like this and laugh, thinking that they're such wussies, "Why would men get raped?"  I didn't expect that such incident would happen to me.

When I got diagnosed, it was the only thing I had in mind. Were they positive? Did they infect me? Weird enough, I did not have the urge to hunt them down and seek revenge. I just wish that they won't infect others.

I created this post not to take pity of what happened to me, since I am not 100 percent sure that they are the culprit. However, I just want everyone to be aware and vigilant of what's happening in society nowadays. That aside from HIV, cases of harassment can also be alarming, whether or not the suspects are positive.

I don't know how to end this blog post. So...